Glass Dildo in a Vermont Cabin on a Sunday

By morning the snow had sealed the road entirely. She could see it from the bed without moving — the flat white light coming through the window, the particular silence of a world that had decided she was staying. The Bible on the nightstand had been there when she arrived, someone else's bookmark still in Romans, and she had not moved it. She was not sure why. Maybe because moving it would have been a decision.

The cabin was cold in the specific way of old New England rooms: the heat worked, but the walls remembered winter. She had slept in the sleep shirt she always packed, thin cotton gone soft from years of washing, and it lay against her now like a second skin that had forgotten to be warm. She pulled her knees up slightly under the quilt and felt the fabric shift across both thighs — the small, familiar pressure of it, the way it settled back against her when she stilled.

The velvet pouch was in the outer pocket of her bag, where she had put it without thinking too hard about the putting. She had told herself it was practical. She told herself a lot of things on drives like this one, the long kind, with the radio fading out somewhere past Montpelier.

She reached for it now.

The glass was cold through the velvet. She worked the drawstring without sitting up, and then it was in her hand — heavier than she always forgot, the curve of it exact and unapologetic. She did not move it toward herself. She held it against the outside of her thigh, over the cotton, and let herself feel the cold moving through the thin fabric and into her skin. The temperature arrived in a specific line, the length of the curve, like a held breath made physical.

Her own breath — she noticed it then. She had been holding it without deciding to. She let it out slowly, through her nose, and it came out longer than it went in.

Outside, nothing moved. The snow kept falling in the flat, determined way it had been falling since last night, and the road stayed sealed, and she was alone in the way that costs something to arrange and something else to admit you wanted.

The Bible's spine was cracked to Romans. She was not looking at it. She was looking at the ceiling, at the old plaster with its map of small cracks, and she was aware of her left hand resting open against her sternum — not holding anything, just present there, feeling her own heartbeat through the cotton.

The glass had begun to warm where it pressed against her thigh. Not warm — less cold. The distinction mattered somehow.

She let her knees part, just slightly. The fabric shifted with them. The cold curve of the glass stayed where it was, against the outside of her thigh, but the space that had opened between her knees was there now, present the way an unlocked door is present — not an action, just a change in what was possible.

Her breath went in short and came out shorter.

The snow kept sealing the road. She kept not looking at the Bible. She held what she was holding and let herself want what she wanted, and the ceiling offered nothing back, and that was fine. That was exactly fine.